This is how all British people talk.

Hmmmm. I like that one in the middle there. Look real good wif my purple dress. If Frank would ever take me out proper. Pssssshhhh. Right. I'm jus an old cow to him. Sittin there hollerin at the footballers on tele, finkin i don't have needs too.

Suppose i could big myself up a bit. I will get it. Wif my Christmas bonus, yeah! I'll jus tell Frank that what wif these hard times the Missus passed me over this year. Yeah. That's what'ull do.

Better call Ida. She'll go green wif envy for sure.

Wot. Oh Annie, wot are you finking, you old sorry cow. Gottah pay the Visa still. Gottah pay for mending the sink. I can't go off into a dream world, finking this old bag can still drape herself in diamonds and pearls. But it is nly 15 pounds.

Fuckin'ell.

I'm gettin it and you better not say another word about it.

Oh shut up then, shut up. Look what you've got yourself into now. Talkin like one of dem crazies at a respectable shop in broad daylight.

I should jus buy the fuckin fing to put my mind at rest.

Now hold on girl. Fink fer a minute........

Frank'll see it somehow and he knows that it wouldn't be one of mother's and he'd whoop me for sure then, and i can't take another whoopin' wifout the Missus going all up in a flame of meddlin.

Fuckin'ell it's cold. Right then. Better have a fag and spot ofva drink. That'll put me right.

Keith Bloomhausen

Hi. My name is Keith and I have recently completed one year of service as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. I am so honored to be included in this calendar, celebrating my own and my brothers in Christ's service to further his Kingdom. I have been a servant of LDS since birth, having been blessed with two parents firmly committed to the faith who raised me in accordance to Christ's unchanging truth, and also everything that Joseph Smith said.

Now, I know some of you who haven't yet been familiarized with our faith, are probably thinking something like, "Mormons? Aren't they polygamists?" And so I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you a bit about myself and hopefully dispel a few of the myths you may have about the Mormon faith. (Oh, and by the way, us Mormon’s are NOT polygamists- we haven’t practiced that since 1878.)

Now, I know that God’s plan all happens according to His time, not ours, but I also know that while you pray for rain, you still have to push the plow. Which is why I’d like to take this extraordinary opportunity of being included in 2009’s Mormon Eligible Bachelor Calendar to tell you a bit about myself, as well as the kind of special woman I’m praying for to be my wife.

I begin every morning with prayer and meditating on scripture from the Book Of Morman. I am a HUGE reader, my favorites being “A Purpose Filled Life” by Rick Warren, “Your Best Life NOW” by Joel Osteen, and the Hardy Boy’s series. Hey! What can I say- I’m just a kid at heart! Every morning after my devotions, I like to go for my 6 mile run and drink my daily protein shake. And ladies, if I do say so myself, I make a mean blueberry- raspberry-strawberry-omega 3 complex shake. Perhaps you and I could take one of those bad boys out for a spin sometime.

Here are a few of the qualities that I pray my future wife will have:


A great sense of humor- One of my favorite movies of all time is “Hitch.” I swear I think I might spontaneously develop asthma if I watch that movie too many times.

Purity- I am loving this time of celibacy in my life so much!!!! God is teaching me so much about just falling in love with Him. I want to meet that special woman who also has chosen the righteous path. If I were to dishonor God’s commandment of abstinence, it would be like I were cheating on my future wife, and also, if you’re sleeping around, it’s like you’re cheating on me, so you need not respond to this, because I deserve an untainted, clean woman.

Physically fitness- I enjoy taking care of my body, my temple, and you should too! I’d love to be able to take you on a romantic, passionate and loving vacation where we can enjoy the fruits of our labor of taking care of our temples, our bodies, by you wearing a green bikini. Green is my favorite color. Hey! Maybe I could even get a matching Speedo! I kid, I kid- like I said, a sense of humor is pretty seriously important to me, almost as much as taking care of my body, my temple.

Adventurous- Like I said, I just returned from a year of Missions. I was nervous to leave my family and friends in Salt Lake, but I had faith that my God would guide me every step of the way, and boy did He ever help me navigate Toledo. I haven’t yet been out of the country, but when I do, I want to go to Amsterdam.

Tall and Blonde- now I know what all you feminists are thinking- but you should know that I received a Revelation in my devotions this morning that my future wife will, in fact, be tall and blonde. Also, she’s going to look totally awesome in a green bikini.

Well, until next time, thanks for reading. Signing off, praying for you all, and blessing you with the peace of God, the courage of King David (my hero!), and the repentance of the whore, Mary Magdalene.

-Keith….

Cell: 724-844-8635
Home: 724-913-9654
Fax: (for pictures of you) 724-834-2345
Email: Pump-up-your-temple@hotmail.com

Good Christian Boys

Devon, Howie, Nathanial and Scott were just settling in to catch a Packers game on a cold December evening. It was a Tuesday and they were in the middle of finals. Scott had his older brother’s ID so he always bought the beer, and tonight he’d snuck it in his laundry basket. The other guys usually drank Molson Light and PBR or whatever was in the keg, but recently Scott’s girlfriend had introduced him to the finer things in life, like German beer and vibrators. Scott was excited to share his newfound beer pallet with his buddies, but not the sex- toy. They’d probably call him a fag.

Scott’s girlfriend, Miranda, was pretty cool and let the guys watch the game on her 72-inch HD TV; her dad was loaded. She sometimes even scored weed for Scott from her older sister, but this was not something Scott wanted to tell the other guys because they’d probably freak and confront him in Christian love. He’d had a hard enough time convincing them of a few harmless beers. If they got caught with the Amstel in the dorms, they’d all be put on probation, and this was definitely on everyone’s mind. Scott had assured them that Miranda was cool with the R.A. and that it wouldn’t be a problem as long as they kept the noise down and the door locked.

Scott still couldn’t believe that Nathaniel had asked to come. Nathaniel was a Bible major.

Scott: “Dude- I hope it’s cool with you. But like, we’re gonna be havin’ a couple of beers when we watch the game. I mean, nothing too crazy or anything.”

Nathaniel: “Well, um..”

Scott: “Well ‘cause Miranda’s cousin is the R.A. and she already said it was cool, so…”

Nathaniel: “No man, totally. Jesus drank wine, right? I mean, it’s like. As long as we’re creating an environment of Christian fellowship, it’s still honoring God. And we need to honor God in all that we do- whether we’re at Church of not, because redeeming the world isn’t just done in a pew or on your knees it’s---“

Scott: “OK- cool. So I’ll see you later then.”

Devon and Howie didn’t really like Nathaniel, but whatever. Scott and Nathaniel had been friends since the 2nd grade. They’d played doctor together a few times, and Scott had seen Nathaniel’s dad hit his mom a couple of times when he’d slept over at his place, which was super fucked-up since his Dad also preached sermons on Sundays at Grace Covenant. But that wasn’t the only reason they’d remained friends- Nathanial also really liked Sufjan Stevens and Rufus Wainwright, and Scott didn’t know any other guys who did, except the faggot theater people.
Sometimes they would get together in his dorm room and listen to Iron and Wine and burn incense and talk about the merits of Oscar Wilde, but Scott would NEVER admit this to anyone.

Maybe next year they could move off campus and be roommates. They could paint their living room Mauve and make a trip to Ikea in Chicago. Scott also had a hunch that he could convince Nathaniel of the innocence of weed, and that would make their late night music listening parties so fuckin’ cool.

Or maybe a tawny burgundy for the living room. It’d really lighten up the room in the winter.

Neutrogena skin care is the best

SCRUUUUUFFFFLLLEESSSSSS!!!! Come back here Scruffles! Come back!! SCRUUFIIIIEEE....

Oh, well. There he goes. Scruffles must've caught the scent of a rabbit. Er maybe a possum. Ok then. I'm juhs gonna let'em be. He'll come back all in good time. He's just fulla piss n vinegar 'cause he's been cooped up inside all weekend cause'uh the storm. Besides. Nothin' like the bitter New England air to make ya feel alive, ya know?I don't mind. I'm no complainer.

So how about Anne Sexton's new book, ya know? I couldn't even put the darn thing down to make myself my potatoes and flax seed oil last night. Went to bed hungry. Stayed up till darn near 11:00 pm readin'.

Yup.

So.

Gonna stay in tonight. Gonna watch Charlie Rose i think. I says we should watch that Boston Legal, but Margie don't like that guy there, that William Shatner. Says she read somewhere that he's a homophobe. I says- well i don't know about that Margie, you can't believe everything you read. And then she goes all quiet, in that way'uh hers, like a placid lake. And then i know there's only one thing that can make her talk again, and that's when i pull out the cocoa butter and the Judy Collin's records.

Yah so. We been together fer...... 18 years now? Ya know. It's not perfect, but who is? And my mother always did say that it was better to have a bit'uh dirt in yer potatoes than none at all, cause it made you better at kickin' off diseases, and she would know cause her brother died of polio when she was 6. So i don't mind Margie's bad parts so much anymore. Not much use after 18 years. I just swallow all'uh her parts, dirt 'n all.

So, ya know. She's good at Sudoku, and i'm the one who's good at the crosswords. It works out.

Beautiful

I am U-wo-du-hi Wa-ya, which you say Beautiful Wolf.

I cook the Tatonka soup and pick the lice from the heads of the children whose mothers have died. I pull babies from mother's bellies, and i cut their air cords from their belllies with a blade of flint my mother gave me. I catch the babies in a new white rabbit skin and in the clucking of my tongue. I have seen 75 babies born alive, and 3 born dead. 5 babies were pulled from me and 2 lived. Never catch a baby with a black rabbit skin.

They call me beautiful.

Daaaahhhhhliiink.

Pass me da phone dahlink.

And pleiese. Don't open da curtains. Da sunshine isa so borink. Come seeet mon amore. Come and tell me why you furrow yourbrow. What is there to cry tears for? You are with Sophia now dahlink. If you cry i will get so bored with you and i do not have anytimes for love making when i am bored.

Be gay with me dahlink. Drink da Chom-pagne before da 11 :00 am arrives. No!- what is dis!!! No, no camera, pleiese. No! You must not! Stop pointing your lens at me dis INSTANT!I am so angry with you! Put that camera down! Yes, i KNOW i am beautiful, but not beautiful before 3 pm. Bastardo.