Follow your Dreamz.

Hi. My name’s Amber. I’ve been a model/actress for about 10 years now. I started pretty young, when I was 16, so I’ve definitely been around the block enough to learn a thing or two.
I’d like to take this opportunity to offer advice to my sisters out there just beginning their careers- I know I sure could have used some sisterly advice when I first moved to L.A., and it’s really all about Karma anyway, so I feel like I just need to give back to the world since I’ve been so fortunate being a model/actress.

So here you go. Here are Amber’s top DO's and DONT'S for finding success and watching all of your wildest dreamz come true!!!

DO invest in a really, really good Pilates instructor. Shakti Finklestein is mine, from the “Piranha Prana Pilates Powerhouse” in the Valley. I mean, and this may not be PC to say, but those butch-lesbos really do know to whip a girl’s booty into shape! I had serious, chronic cellulite for YEARS on the backs of my thighs, (a big no-no ladies) and I tried everything from the 6-week bacon and grapefruit diet, to this Brazilian specialty treatment involving coffee grounds and cocaine leaves. NOTHING worked. Not until I met Shakti did those tiresome trouble spots melt away. Now my figure is slim, trim and ready to win.

DON’T blend in. The most valuable advice I was ever given when I first moved to Hollywood was from a very, very successful producer. I mean, and I can’t name names here, but let’s just say that he’s very close with another producer whose last name sounds like Shrime-stein. So this producer said to me, “Amber, just be yourself. Find out what makes you YOU and then just be YOU.” One of the ways I was able to get as many jobs as I have is because of my unique look. I’m very lucky that I’m 1/64th Cherokee Indian and so I have cheekbones , lips, eyes, teeth, and skin that looks really, really Native American. That’s what that producer told me. And trust me ladies- there are a million and one beautiful girls out here. So you have to find out what your strengths are and highlight, show off, and emphasize them.

As an actress, what makes me different is that I think I have a unique perspective on what it’s like to suffer. I won’t go into it all, but let’s just say I’ve had to file a restraining orders against my last 3 boyfriends. Oh, and one of my therapists. So it’s really, really easy for me to be emotional and act really good in front of the camera since I’ve been through so much pain.

DO frequent hot-spots! My recommendation- The Chateau Marmont. Part of being an actress/model is marketing yourself, and ladies, we all know that a picture is worth a thousand words. Make sure to look your best at all times because you never know when there might be cameras around. I can’t tell you how many celebrities I’ve become really, really close friends with by just hanging out at the hot spots. Trista (you know, Trista from the Bachelorette) and I are going to get manis and pedis later today, and guess where I met her? You guessed it! The Chatt!

DON’T be afraid to take risks in the roles you choose. EVERY role is a step forward in your career as a model/actress, even if it’s not something that you would want to write home about. I’ve been a spokesmodel for everything from Hawaiian Tropic Suntan Lotion to being a featured dancer on “The Hills”. And you know what? Each step forward is a step not backwards. Just make sure to have your contract reviewed by a lawyer- preferably a Jewish one- if there’s any nudity involved. Once I make it into features full time my lawyer has promised me that I have ALL the rights to any and all nudity work that I’ve done. So I guess another DO is to find a good Jew lawyer.

DO read “The Secret.” It will change your life!!! I didn’t work for 3 months one time and after I read this book, I put my intentions out into the universe for success, and boom- whaddya know, the next day I got a call from my agent for “Rock of Love 2.” I ended up landing the gig, and although Brett Michaels and I weren’t a good match, my visibility as a model/actress increased by about 10 times!

And lastly DON’T ever give up on your dreamz! And DO continue to read my blog! Thank you everyone for your support, and wish all you new girls with dreamz of being as successful as me model/actress the best of luck.

Namaste!!!! -Amber

Julianne, (a.k.a. Jewel of da Penile) goes to a concert

Gooddamnitt, shit cock piss! Where is that bitch Melissa? HEY MELISSAAAAA.

YEAH- I"M TALKING TO YOU HOOKER. COME 'ERE!

HEEEYYYYY YOU DIRTY SLUT.

Oh, yeah, that. No yeah, the band and i hung out before the set and Mickey had a fucking sharpie. I KNOW! Do you have your camera? Oh wait- hold on.

SMILLLLEEE.

Oh i dunno- he's this photographer from this one, fuckin..., whaddya call it? The cobrasnake website or some shit like that. No yeah- a lot of people look at it. A lot of people will see pretty titties now.

Fuck yeah you slut! Let's go. No yeah, it's right here in my pocket. Do you have a dollar bill?

Groupie a' la 2009

I wonder if he'll have condoms? Yeah right. Good girl, Melissa, good girl for bringing two. Two! HA! Nah. I'll prolly just fuck 'em once and then he'll pass out. He looks pretty drunk already and it's only his first set. I might even get lucky and he'll get whiskey-dick and i can just stay up with Julianne and do that eight-ball that she got from Mickey. Uhh- THAT's what i need right now- just good -girlfriend times.

Huh. He looks rougher from the last time i saw him when he came through L.A. Jesus. Was that really a year ago? Fuck. At least he sounds good tonight. Maybe i can get him to take a shower before we fuck after the show? Nah. Prolly not. I KNOW! I'll get him to go swimming in the pool beforehand and that way i won't have to breathe out of my mouth the whole time when we do it. God- this is good weed. I feel all floaty. No wait- that could also be the colonic. Mmmmm. 5 pounds away from my perfect weight- 108. I'm only drinking skinny-bitches tonight. (Seltzer-vodka-lime beeeyatch!)

He's not as hot as i remember. Oh well. No backing out now. Besides- it's not like i'm adding any numbers to the list. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle your men, yeah! Shannon topped like, 40 last weekend, and she's been in L.A. for even less time than i have. Plus, i don't really count Larry and that other bald guy cause i got my Mad Men gig from them and it doesn't really count if what you get out of it is better than just the sex. Uhhhhhhkk. Nobody ever tells you that old men's ball sacks actually SAG. Guuu-rosse. O.M.G. It's like- to get your SAG card you have to put up with some sag. HA HA! I should write that down and tell Mickey.

God he looks rough.

Fuck it. I'm gonna get Julianne to do a line with me in the bathroom.

This is how all British people talk.

Hmmmm. I like that one in the middle there. Look real good wif my purple dress. If Frank would ever take me out proper. Pssssshhhh. Right. I'm jus an old cow to him. Sittin there hollerin at the footballers on tele, finkin i don't have needs too.

Suppose i could big myself up a bit. I will get it. Wif my Christmas bonus, yeah! I'll jus tell Frank that what wif these hard times the Missus passed me over this year. Yeah. That's what'ull do.

Better call Ida. She'll go green wif envy for sure.

Wot. Oh Annie, wot are you finking, you old sorry cow. Gottah pay the Visa still. Gottah pay for mending the sink. I can't go off into a dream world, finking this old bag can still drape herself in diamonds and pearls. But it is nly 15 pounds.

Fuckin'ell.

I'm gettin it and you better not say another word about it.

Oh shut up then, shut up. Look what you've got yourself into now. Talkin like one of dem crazies at a respectable shop in broad daylight.

I should jus buy the fuckin fing to put my mind at rest.

Now hold on girl. Fink fer a minute........

Frank'll see it somehow and he knows that it wouldn't be one of mother's and he'd whoop me for sure then, and i can't take another whoopin' wifout the Missus going all up in a flame of meddlin.

Fuckin'ell it's cold. Right then. Better have a fag and spot ofva drink. That'll put me right.

Keith Bloomhausen

Hi. My name is Keith and I have recently completed one year of service as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. I am so honored to be included in this calendar, celebrating my own and my brothers in Christ's service to further his Kingdom. I have been a servant of LDS since birth, having been blessed with two parents firmly committed to the faith who raised me in accordance to Christ's unchanging truth, and also everything that Joseph Smith said.

Now, I know some of you who haven't yet been familiarized with our faith, are probably thinking something like, "Mormons? Aren't they polygamists?" And so I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you a bit about myself and hopefully dispel a few of the myths you may have about the Mormon faith. (Oh, and by the way, us Mormon’s are NOT polygamists- we haven’t practiced that since 1878.)

Now, I know that God’s plan all happens according to His time, not ours, but I also know that while you pray for rain, you still have to push the plow. Which is why I’d like to take this extraordinary opportunity of being included in 2009’s Mormon Eligible Bachelor Calendar to tell you a bit about myself, as well as the kind of special woman I’m praying for to be my wife.

I begin every morning with prayer and meditating on scripture from the Book Of Morman. I am a HUGE reader, my favorites being “A Purpose Filled Life” by Rick Warren, “Your Best Life NOW” by Joel Osteen, and the Hardy Boy’s series. Hey! What can I say- I’m just a kid at heart! Every morning after my devotions, I like to go for my 6 mile run and drink my daily protein shake. And ladies, if I do say so myself, I make a mean blueberry- raspberry-strawberry-omega 3 complex shake. Perhaps you and I could take one of those bad boys out for a spin sometime.

Here are a few of the qualities that I pray my future wife will have:


A great sense of humor- One of my favorite movies of all time is “Hitch.” I swear I think I might spontaneously develop asthma if I watch that movie too many times.

Purity- I am loving this time of celibacy in my life so much!!!! God is teaching me so much about just falling in love with Him. I want to meet that special woman who also has chosen the righteous path. If I were to dishonor God’s commandment of abstinence, it would be like I were cheating on my future wife, and also, if you’re sleeping around, it’s like you’re cheating on me, so you need not respond to this, because I deserve an untainted, clean woman.

Physically fitness- I enjoy taking care of my body, my temple, and you should too! I’d love to be able to take you on a romantic, passionate and loving vacation where we can enjoy the fruits of our labor of taking care of our temples, our bodies, by you wearing a green bikini. Green is my favorite color. Hey! Maybe I could even get a matching Speedo! I kid, I kid- like I said, a sense of humor is pretty seriously important to me, almost as much as taking care of my body, my temple.

Adventurous- Like I said, I just returned from a year of Missions. I was nervous to leave my family and friends in Salt Lake, but I had faith that my God would guide me every step of the way, and boy did He ever help me navigate Toledo. I haven’t yet been out of the country, but when I do, I want to go to Amsterdam.

Tall and Blonde- now I know what all you feminists are thinking- but you should know that I received a Revelation in my devotions this morning that my future wife will, in fact, be tall and blonde. Also, she’s going to look totally awesome in a green bikini.

Well, until next time, thanks for reading. Signing off, praying for you all, and blessing you with the peace of God, the courage of King David (my hero!), and the repentance of the whore, Mary Magdalene.

-Keith….

Cell: 724-844-8635
Home: 724-913-9654
Fax: (for pictures of you) 724-834-2345
Email: Pump-up-your-temple@hotmail.com

Good Christian Boys

Devon, Howie, Nathanial and Scott were just settling in to catch a Packers game on a cold December evening. It was a Tuesday and they were in the middle of finals. Scott had his older brother’s ID so he always bought the beer, and tonight he’d snuck it in his laundry basket. The other guys usually drank Molson Light and PBR or whatever was in the keg, but recently Scott’s girlfriend had introduced him to the finer things in life, like German beer and vibrators. Scott was excited to share his newfound beer pallet with his buddies, but not the sex- toy. They’d probably call him a fag.

Scott’s girlfriend, Miranda, was pretty cool and let the guys watch the game on her 72-inch HD TV; her dad was loaded. She sometimes even scored weed for Scott from her older sister, but this was not something Scott wanted to tell the other guys because they’d probably freak and confront him in Christian love. He’d had a hard enough time convincing them of a few harmless beers. If they got caught with the Amstel in the dorms, they’d all be put on probation, and this was definitely on everyone’s mind. Scott had assured them that Miranda was cool with the R.A. and that it wouldn’t be a problem as long as they kept the noise down and the door locked.

Scott still couldn’t believe that Nathaniel had asked to come. Nathaniel was a Bible major.

Scott: “Dude- I hope it’s cool with you. But like, we’re gonna be havin’ a couple of beers when we watch the game. I mean, nothing too crazy or anything.”

Nathaniel: “Well, um..”

Scott: “Well ‘cause Miranda’s cousin is the R.A. and she already said it was cool, so…”

Nathaniel: “No man, totally. Jesus drank wine, right? I mean, it’s like. As long as we’re creating an environment of Christian fellowship, it’s still honoring God. And we need to honor God in all that we do- whether we’re at Church of not, because redeeming the world isn’t just done in a pew or on your knees it’s---“

Scott: “OK- cool. So I’ll see you later then.”

Devon and Howie didn’t really like Nathaniel, but whatever. Scott and Nathaniel had been friends since the 2nd grade. They’d played doctor together a few times, and Scott had seen Nathaniel’s dad hit his mom a couple of times when he’d slept over at his place, which was super fucked-up since his Dad also preached sermons on Sundays at Grace Covenant. But that wasn’t the only reason they’d remained friends- Nathanial also really liked Sufjan Stevens and Rufus Wainwright, and Scott didn’t know any other guys who did, except the faggot theater people.
Sometimes they would get together in his dorm room and listen to Iron and Wine and burn incense and talk about the merits of Oscar Wilde, but Scott would NEVER admit this to anyone.

Maybe next year they could move off campus and be roommates. They could paint their living room Mauve and make a trip to Ikea in Chicago. Scott also had a hunch that he could convince Nathaniel of the innocence of weed, and that would make their late night music listening parties so fuckin’ cool.

Or maybe a tawny burgundy for the living room. It’d really lighten up the room in the winter.

Neutrogena skin care is the best

SCRUUUUUFFFFLLLEESSSSSS!!!! Come back here Scruffles! Come back!! SCRUUFIIIIEEE....

Oh, well. There he goes. Scruffles must've caught the scent of a rabbit. Er maybe a possum. Ok then. I'm juhs gonna let'em be. He'll come back all in good time. He's just fulla piss n vinegar 'cause he's been cooped up inside all weekend cause'uh the storm. Besides. Nothin' like the bitter New England air to make ya feel alive, ya know?I don't mind. I'm no complainer.

So how about Anne Sexton's new book, ya know? I couldn't even put the darn thing down to make myself my potatoes and flax seed oil last night. Went to bed hungry. Stayed up till darn near 11:00 pm readin'.

Yup.

So.

Gonna stay in tonight. Gonna watch Charlie Rose i think. I says we should watch that Boston Legal, but Margie don't like that guy there, that William Shatner. Says she read somewhere that he's a homophobe. I says- well i don't know about that Margie, you can't believe everything you read. And then she goes all quiet, in that way'uh hers, like a placid lake. And then i know there's only one thing that can make her talk again, and that's when i pull out the cocoa butter and the Judy Collin's records.

Yah so. We been together fer...... 18 years now? Ya know. It's not perfect, but who is? And my mother always did say that it was better to have a bit'uh dirt in yer potatoes than none at all, cause it made you better at kickin' off diseases, and she would know cause her brother died of polio when she was 6. So i don't mind Margie's bad parts so much anymore. Not much use after 18 years. I just swallow all'uh her parts, dirt 'n all.

So, ya know. She's good at Sudoku, and i'm the one who's good at the crosswords. It works out.